Hello, readers old and new…of which I doubt there are many new readers,this being the first post, but welcome just the same. I started this blog, as opposed to simply continuing my previous blog (www.confessionsofacraftywitch.blogspot.com) because I felt I needed a new start. Allow me to elaborate….by giving you my entire life’s story, apparently.
Around the age of 9 (I think) I discovered that reading could be enjoyable. I discovered this through re-reading a book my Mother had once read to me, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. It was a thoroughly enjoyable read, and I lamented finishing it all too soon. Then a few months later I discovered that its sequels not only continued the story, but were equally enjoyable. From there my deep thirst for Fantasy began (of which I was pre-disposed to; Mother Goose tales are quite fantastical in their own right).
I became quite the avid reader, devouring books within days of discovering them. I read in class and simply taught myself the lessons in a few hours after school, I learned to navigate through crowded hallways with my nose firmly planted in a book, and I easily earned the stigma “that weird girl in the corner reading a book”. For the most part books were my friends, and when I wasn’t living in a fantasy world where magic was real and heroes fought against nigh-impossible odds, I was studying ghosts, ghost-hunting, and famous hauntings (really, the paranormal fits right in with fantasy). I longed for magic to be real, to be able to live in a magical world like in my books, to be able to cast spells. Nothing seemed more wondrous.
A week or two before starting highschool I discovered my first inkling that my dreams just might be possible: I found a friend reading Scott Cunningham’s Earth Power. I only had access to it for the weekend (at least at that point), but in the course of that weekend I found a small fossil, likely coral, on the beach of the lake we were at. Using that fossil and using the book as a guide, I did my first bit of magick: a Guardian Stone. That’s right, I completely ignored the love spells and went straight to the protectives! From that point, that first moment of sensing energy emanating from this small (some would say ugly) fossil, I looked in the rearview mirror at myself and was hooked.
Did I know anything about Paganism or witchcraft? No, and I didn’t find out anything about it for another three years either. Did I search out other magick books? No, nor did I think there really were any for a good long time. Instead I experimented with newfound friends in highschool, most of which WAS complete fantasy–with all the over-excited enthusiasm a young teenage newbie can bring to bear.
Well, most of us know that can only last for so long, and when I crashed I crashed HARD. For a while I had no idea what to believe, so I turned to the best guidance I knew at the time: the Bible. Well, the Bible really doesn’t have many good things to say about witches and magick practitioners. Realizing that I would go to Hell because of this beautiful, wonderful, magical thing, I became very, very depressed and this coupled with other factors led me to suicidal thoughts. I was going to Hell anyway, I may as well not have to suffer through growing up (which I dreaded) and having to learn about taxes and rent and money and the world which I had been ‘protected’ from.
Then one of those wonderful little ‘coincidences’ occurred–on vacation in Hayward WI, at “The Legend of the Celts” store, I found a colorful little book entitled Maiden Magick by C.C. Brondwin. Firmly in the neopagan genre and a bit fluffy, this book introduced me to the concept of religions outside of Christianity, Judaism, and Buddhism (which were the only 3 I really knew anything about) and more importantly, to the concept of a religion that allows magick. Not just allows magick, but embraces it! It was like a miracle…oops, I mean ‘like magic’. ;)
From there my research began. I wasn’t able to do much, and being firmly in the broomcloset I was TERRIFIED of the mere thought of my parents finding out. Thus I slowly accumulated knowledge of Wicca, Neo-Pagansism, and Pagan culture over the course of several years as I covertly went about my research. Hitting college was a huge help as I slowly began to develop into my own person, had the freedom the internet granted (my parents only got internet AFTER I had graduated highschool) and kicked my amalgamation of magick knowledge into overdrive.
My freshman year I was getting over a bad breakup (from an abusive boyfriend) and for the first time I considered performing a love spell–really aside from some Stone and Weather magick the first actual spell I cast–and I asked for a guy who was a complimentary astrological sign, who would simply love me for me, and above all who would accept my religion and magick. Two weeks later I met him, a week after that he asked me out, and five years after that (this past January, actually) he asked me to marry him. ^_^
The impetus for my ‘new start’ is this: as I’ve come to learn who I am, and as I’ve delved into the history of witchcraft more and more, I’ve slowly…lost touch…with Neo-Paganism, and also with magick. In fact for several months recently I’d just been wandering aimlessly in that realm, dissatisfied but now knowing what to do. I still loved magick, but…this popular Pagan culture, all the books on the shelves at bookstores…something was missing. I had changed too much. I was Darker, and I no longer ‘fit’. What’s a Kage (an old nickname, Japanese for ‘Shadow’) to do?
Well…I may have found my answer, and I’m really hoping this isn’t just an impetuous decision: hedgecrossing, or something akin to a more traditional (and also darker) approach to the craft. I admit that my reason for first checking it out more was a bit self-involved–I wanted to learn to fly. Not just fly, but be able to move about outside my body. See, I’m 24 years old and walking with a cane (don’t start your kids in dance when they’re only 3). I’ve had problems with my right ankle since I was twelve (which doctors have never been able to tell me just what’s wrong) and now something’s wrong with my left knee. But my desire was for free movement uninhibited by my body’s shortcomings, and in the process I may have found what I’ve been looking for. We’ll see. I don’t like jumping to conclusions, but this…feels right. Here’s hoping, at least.
So I invite you, dear readers all, to witness my stumbling, bumbling explorations into this new (yet so old) world as I wander the Labyrinth. (I know, I KNOW it’s from Greco-Roman culture, but a Labyrinth is the most effective way for me to meditate! Yeesh, you traditionalists can get so picky… ;) )
((Title quote from the Japanese anime .hack//SIGN . It is referencing a fiction novel in the series that I believe is made up titled Annwn. Japanese pop culture referencing Welsh myth…LOVE it. XD))