This post…will likely be long. And odd. I’ve wrestled with myself long and hard about whether to write…and if I do, how much do I write? The tale contained herein is high strangeness and sounds very crazy. Very, very crazy. But in the end…I decided that most, though not all will be told. I simply wish there to be some record, something for those feeling quite crazy themselves…see where I’m at, and (this being in the future) see where I go from here. Ideally it will instill hope, but if nothing else serious caution.
Before that, some backstory afore unmentioned. First, I think I had a miscarriage around the time I wrote about a little girl showing up in readings. Second, BugBoy and I had discussed my moving in, but it had a time limit–he had another friend who wanted to move in. I took too long. So towards the end of February I was at the altar when suddenly I found myself in the Old Woman’s Cave for a third time–it mimicked when first I saw it. I found myself again in the wetlands, where I was greeted by the loon (which I was quite delighted by, as I thought it was pissed at me from a previous experience). He led me to the rickety door set in the cragface, and I entered. No niceties this time–immediately she turned from the cauldron and spoke to me. The essence of her words were thus: “Not fun, is it? Keep it in mind when I give you your second chance. You know what happens if you don’t.” Well I do: nothing changes. In plain text that sounds bullying or threatening, but the tone was very much one of wryness and…indulgement? Rather like a grandmother’s tone when saying “See what happens when you touch the stove?” A couple weeks after that his other roommate moved out unexpectedly, and I thought that was it. Yet we both felt the relationship at a wane, and questioned if we should continue much more.
Then Sunday, March 16th…I was home late from a weekend at Bugboy’s and stood before my altar to honor the ancestors. I called, and suddenly they were there. They were all broad smiles and twinkling near-teary eyes, beaming proudly at me. I got the impression of being passed around for hugs and kisses as they murmured things like We’ve been waiting for this…finally it’s time…we’re so proud of you and on. Then they swiftly ended the session and ushered me off to bed. Go to your lord they said…and He was there.
Or he. Bloody hell, I don’t know who he is. He’s bright…sort of a golden boy. He first showed up around the time I was 15 and has popped in randomly since, but there’s always been this romantic tone I just naturally accepted. When he first showed up I arrived at the conclusion that he was someone I had had a relationship with in a past life and was not currently incarnate (ah…neopagan). He’d been around more recently, and at one point we had a strange “conversation” where he kept asking me questions…
“Do you know me?”
“No, I don’t think so…”
“Come closer. Do you know me?”
“Closer. Starstone, do you remember me?”
“I…I’m not sure…”
And on with me gradually coming ’round to more positive responses when He finally asked “What is my name?” and I answered, then he smiled and vanished.
He was there. We spent a night. Beloved, I have waited so long, I have missed you so much…shine for me starstone… I felt something reach my core and fire raged explosively outward, shooting from between my legs and covering my body. It was, simply, ecstasy. When it finally faded so too did my consciousness, and I drifted to sleep with the sensation of arms around me and voices murmuring.
A week later my period arrived, full and abnormally cramptastic…week before last morning sickness (from 6-10 pm), as well as a bevy of other symptoms indicative of early pregnancy sprinkled throughout. Last weekend as I was driving up I was wearing too-tight jeans and struggling to loosen them to ease the discomfort when I looked up at an interstate sign–and remembered that a month or so ago I had been doing exactly the same thing and had the thought The next time this happens it will be because I’m pregnant. It occurred to me that the timing would work out from the original reading–next year is the Tower, which a newborn would certainly fulfill, and afterward the Star. Yet I’ve had two negative tests…and I think I ovulated yesterday. So despite strong experiences and physical symptoms, science is saying no to that.
I’ve no idea what to think, about any of it, and really I just feel quite insane. It SOUNDS crazy. All of it. Yet I experienced it, and I’m not sure what to think about that. For now I’m biding. Not being pregnant would seem to indicate that I’m really just bat-shit crazy. Even if I were pregnant it could easily be interpreted as a sort of mental narrative or metaphor for what my body was going through. Just…gah…it’s just weird. Or Wyrd. Who knows.
Now let’s see if I actually hit post… *runs in a zigzag to dodge rotten veg*
(At least not many people seem to read my blog)