So many things going on in my life, so many things intended to write about that I somehow never do. Trying to motivate myself, trying to make decisions, trying to get things moving. Frustration with myself and this immobility which seems impassible but I know is illusory. I just have to act. But I can’t seem to make myself.
At Samhain I worked to shed my skin. It was time. I walked some time, buried it at a crossroads and didn’t look back. From there I knew it was up to me to make the changes, instill the positive habits and attitudes that would replace the sloth I was trying to expel.
I don’t know if it worked.
I find myself riddled with doubts and uncertainty, every time I try to take a confident step forward it is called into question–not even by myself, but others. People who care about me and mean well, want to see me succeed and are trying to help toward that end…but I find that the more they “help” the more and more I withdraw back into my sloth. I’ve not learned yet to not care what others think. I have grown substantially–time was my own thoughts were so below insignificant as compared to others that I tried not to have any of my own thoughts at all. Now I do think, and what I think does matter, and the opinions of others are not nearly so life-and-death as they once were…but if I can’t move because others disagree with any move I choose to make, then its obviously still a significant problem.
Then of course there are my own demons, the ones whispering you’re not doing it right, or failure is all you can expect, or others are successful, but YOU can’t be. &tc. I have an idea, I have a goal, and everyone says “Oh that’s lovely, yes of course, its your life whatever you want to do…” but actually doing it? I need to motivate myself, I need to act, I need to do the work in order to attain what I want to…but I haven’t. Why? Why?
I want to start a shop. I want to get to the point where I can make a living from this shop. I have a great idea for products, I know how to social network, I think I know how to get buyers. I don’t need to make lots of money, just enough where I can live comfortably and don’t have to run the rat race of corporate america anymore. Hell, I wouldn’t mind waitressing on the side or something for extra, reliable income. But I don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t want my worth to be determined by how well a piece of paper says I can jump through hoops. I want to be able to make my own schedule and work for myself, put my resources into me and my loved ones and any who would purchase from me.
If I want that, I need to actually start my own shop. Make the items. Set up the shop. Do the social networking. I have the desire to be at the end point, I have the drive to get out of here, but the drive to do the work and achieve what it is that I want is…strangely lacking. I have no energy left when I get home. I look at my supplies with dull eyes then sluggishly drop into a chair and log into a game or put in a movie. I feel like I won’t have the energy or wherewithal to actually do the work until my resources are no longer entirely taken up by my current employment…but as the rest of the world says, and I must agree, that is a monumentally stupid idea.
It would likely take months to even get people to find my shop, let alone start selling items, and longer still to actually make a profit from it–all the while I wouldn’t have any income to sustain me. Which means I have to get things started while I still have a job. But I can’t get things started while I still have a job because I have nothing left of me to give after the job. This is what they call a Catch 22, isn’t it?
So the inevitable advice that follows is “get a new job, one that doesn’t drain you so much”, and yeah, I agree, but there are a number of other issues that pop up with that. (There always are.) A job is an anchor to a place, but I don’t want to be in this town anymore. Find a job in a neighboring town? Maybe, but that’s really not far away enough for me. Find a job wherever in the country I want to move to? Great!…but how am I to start working there when I don’t live there, and don’t have the money yet to move? Plus there’s the issue of having the energy to apply for new jobs in the first place–which is in the same pile of muck as starting my own business. I don’t have there wherewithal to do it with my current job. It saps everything I have. Four years working here and I’m not even making a dollar more than when I started–which is par for the course at this workplace, really. (You did exceptionally well this year, we’re giving you a $0.15 raise!! Fucking debt collection agencies, I hate you and even more I hate being associated with you!)
Bah, I’m going over old complaints. My head is full of indecision and “no”s, and this thing called life is bloody confusing to figure out. I have plenty of support and love if I do things the intelligent/responsible way, but no will or energy to actually do it. I am bereft of support if I do things the unintelligent/irresponsible way–the way that would allow me to actually do things–with every promise of ultimate failure.
I don’t know anymore. I’m confused and can’t find the answers. I want to LIVE, but apparently won’t take the steps I need to in order to get there. This thing called life really sucks sometimes.