Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for March, 2012

Is it possible for dreams to come true?  I think it might be.  I’m not entirely sure if I’m walking on ground or not, but I think I just lived a dream.

It wasn’t perfect, no.  Most of my nightdreams usually aren’t, and my daydreams are far too idealistic.  This was more like a nightdream–some scary stuff, some exhilarating stuff, some sad stuff, but overall a very happy fulfilling glow.

…I didn’t just dream this, right?

Back up, Leathra…start at the beginning.  Okay.  About a month ago I was listening to my favorite musician at work when I happened to glance at the sidebar–and my heart skipped a beat or two.  SJ Tucker?  In Chicago?  s00j will be coming to Chicago?  

That thought stayed in limbo for a bit while I rushed to check her website, dreadful hope binding my throat as my eyes widened.  Yes, s00j was having a concert in Chicago…and she was teaching a class!!  Now, I’m in a curious predicament, because while I have had brushes with the artist before they were…glancing.  They didn’t last any longer than necessary as she is a very busy woman and I was simply an online fan.  Tiny little inconsequential attempts to reach out hadn’t netted any results either.  While my Libra/Leo rising nature wanted to jump up and down shouting “Me! Me! Look at me!” my Cancer moon would start in with the “wellsheisverybusyandIdon’twanttobotherherandIwouldprobablygetinthewayandthere’snoreasonsheshouldpayanyattentiontome” and so on and so forth.  Thus if the opportunity presented itself I would LEAP at it, but I wouldn’t dare do anything that might make a ‘nuisance’ of myself.

And here she was.  With a concert.  And a class. And a few days till her next concert.  And OH DEAR GODS I MIGHT ACTUALLY GET TO MEET HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!1!1!!!1  Tickets were purchased and crash space was requested with relatives within the hour.  And a plan was hatched–oh, a glorious plan it was!  I had the small beginnings of this scarf that I had been picking at every now and then with the vague idea that someday I might meet SJ and give it to her…I could present her with a beautiful Illusion scarf that concealed the phases of the moon, and let her know I was also taking her class the next day and would she mind if I treated her to tea?

Y’all, I’m a wretched fangirl.  You see, I have done my utmost not to idealize her.  Idealization is the furthest thing from understanding, and once you put someone on a pedestal they cease to be human, and more than anything–more than ANYTHING–I think she deserves to be a person.  She has her own hopes and dreams and fears and needs…I have no claim on that, nor have I any right to.  But there’s some part of me–more than I’d like to admit–that seems to think that if someone I look up to so much might choose to spend time with me, then maybe–just maybe–I am worth spending time on.

No, its not healthy.  Its not any sort of reasonable to seek validation through any other human being; that has to be found within.  And yet……….and yet, it happened.

And it was beautiful.

She was very busy at the concert, and I was very patient waiting until she had talked to most other people before approaching.  I mentioned I had a present for her, but it wasn’t finished yet, and was she signing CDs? Oh, and I’m also taking her class tomorrow…and I was wondering, if she had the time sometime this weekend, would she like some tea?  I had a great plan, and I brought my A game, and it worked.  She was wowed when I mischievously announced “This is a magic scarf.  It is a scarf of Shadow and Illusion.  But if you look at it just right, it might show you it’s face.  The phases of the moon darling!” as she gasped and I glowed.  

Did I put on a show? Well…yes, a bit, but I wasn’t anything other than myself either.  I’m a Libra/Leo rising…showmanship and aplomb are in my nature. I was geared to impress.  I went home glowy and happy.

Did I mention that I had never driven in Chicago before? I was a nervous wreck that first time…slightly improved, the second.  Thank the Gods I never really got lost, and was never really late…they were really looking out for me this past weekend.  …..crap, I need to offer thanks. >_<

I managed to get to the class just ahead of schedule, and presented s00j her newly finished scarf, and for the duration of the class was simply me.  If I’m not myself that what’s the point of her liking me?  I met Ryan there.  Can I just say he’s a friggin’ amazing guy?  One I am honored to have met, and I dare to hope I might meet again sometime.  It’s easy to tell that he and s00j love each other…two absolutely amazing people, they are well-suited.  I wonder in the reflection of their starshine.  We got to talking, he and I, while s00j attended to her adoring fans (and I again waited very patiently).  Again, amazing guy.  Talking with him was like standing at the entrance to a cave and having shouts reverberate and echo back from the great cavernous depths–all I could see was the surface, but I could tell there was so much more there.  After a little while I happily invited him to tea with s00j and me, for which she seemed quite grateful.  (insecure sidenote: am I really that worrisome?)

After class some of us went to a nearby diner called The Golden Apple (they have some of the best hot chocolate ever with real whipped cream!  If you have the chance, go there!!).  There I got the opportunity to meet Ronni and Adam, whom s00j and Ryan were staying with, and again, AWESOME PEOPLE!!!!  How is it that so much wonderful is concentrated into these people?  I’m rather overwhelmed…s00j was rather busy on her phone and started not feeling so well, but I got to have great conversation with Adam and Ronni and other people as well as make funny faces at Ryan across the table.  Life was happy.

Image

Adam, Ronni and s00j

Image

s00j, Ryan, and other wonderful people from class.  And hot chocolate (go try it!!)

 

We agreed to meet the five of us at the Bleeding Heart Bakery for brunch the next day.  I cannot recommend this place enough; if you are in the Chicago area, GO AND EAT HERE!!!!!!  You will not regret it.  I got to have an absolutely decadent stack of dark chocolate pancakes with marshmallow fluff and whipped cream and hot fudge–and it was all vegan, too.  Don’t worry, I got a side of bacon to make up for it. 😉

Image

It was a morning/afternoon of excellent conversation and much laughter.  Afterwards we went browsing about downtown Chicago and checked out a smokeshop, and thence to Adam and Ronni’s place for more conversation.  s00j still wasn’t feeling very well, and when we got back to their place she had a lot of work to get done, but Ronni and I entertained ourselves merrily with many a wacky conversation, with occasional chuckles from the men on guitar/computer and vice-versa.  

It was all too soon that I had to leave, and I grinned and wished cheerful farewells even though I longed to stay in the company of these wonderful people who had accepted me into their midst. With a heavy heart I read tweets of celebrating sausage and cactus pizza–it doesn’t even sound good, but I’d eat it in a heartbeat if I could still be with them!

But I held those precious, glowing memories of the weekend close to my heart as I drifted to dream with a smile on my lips.  A beautiful, wonderful weekend that had been all I dared to hope for and more…how in the world did I get so fortunate?  I now have connections to simply (hmm, not simply….VASTLY) amazing people whom I might never have met if not for a desperate tiny dream.  Gods, Ancestors, and all who have watched over me…thank you.  This was more than I could have asked for.  And thank you, my new friends, for allowing me space in your hearts.

I am truly blessed.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Warning: if you have a weak stomach/are squeamish, do NOT look at the picture below.  You have been warned.

I did not spend my St. Paddy’s Day in bars.  Nor did I drink at all, in fact.  No, I chose instead to spend my St. Patrick’s Day in a camp.  In Fantasy-ish Renn garb.  As a tavern wench.  See, a hobby I’m not so keen on any more is called Nero, a fantasy Larp where combat is resolved with actual combat–albeit with foam swords.  Kestal, however, is still quite keen on it…so much so that he spends at least a $160 on it a month and has recently taken on duties at one of the chapters he attends as tavernkeeper.  That was his first weekend on the job, and I had agreed to help him out if it meant I got to explore the woods and look for shed antlers.  

Tavern wenching was…alright.  Fairly Meh.  I’ve lost my passion for live action, and I’ve always been a baker rather than a cook, so while I got to dust off my waitressing skills it wasn’t a terribly thrilling experience.  

The camp though…oh, the camp.  It was in the Peoria area, so some of the best hills Illinois can muster, and wooded in old oaks that stood sentinel.  That forest was alive, and in the morning that glorious gold-blue sky soared up overhead with great puffy white-pink clouds and the breeze played gently with hair and skirts and your heart couldn’t help but soar.  At those times, it felt good to be alive.

Now, I’m a smoker–as in, I like the sensation of smoke in my lungs but I’m not terribly desirous of becoming addicted to tobacco.  Thus I tend to defer to herbal smoking blends, and that weekend I had with me a new mix from Poppyswap that I was looking forward to trying out.  It’s called “Bright-eyed Stumbler”, and along with several lung-healthy herbs includes the entheogens Wormwood and Klip Dagga.    This is a pretty pleasant mix–while for me its effects are hardly noticeable, they are definitely present and it was this mix that I chose to smoke when I finally got the opportunity to go exploring.

For me this mix was an…opener.  It made me more aware, spiritually, when otherwise I might not have noticed some of the things I did.  While I had walked the camp a bit previously, with this mix I became aware of a Guardian watching my presence.  I introduced myself, and expressed my awe at its beauty and my desire only to revel in the wonders of the wood and do no harm.  At this there was a lightening sensation, which I took to mean acknowledgement and cautious permission.

And then…the forest opened to me.  I started noticing EVERYTHING, small wonders that I would have passed right by before but suddenly it was as if my attention was called to it.  A tiny flower peeking up from under dead leaves, the glorious pattern of lichen over wood, the bright green carpet of moss hiding underfoot.  I could definitely feel myself being watched–this wasn’t a free pass–but as long as I behaved myself the forest would allow me some privilege.  

I climbed up steep winding paths, stopping often to stare at an early-leafing tree spotlighted in a sunbeam, at the flutter of cottonwood petals to the ground, and to stretch my arms out and embrace the playful wind that rushed through branches and tangled in my hair.  I bathed in the glory of that place, on top of a hill full of creaking wood and soaring sky.

It was climbing back down from one of those hills that I saw it; something I had forgotten I was there to look for, and in an entirely unexpected manner.

Deer skullIt was deer antlers…but still attached to a decaying skull, and in a most unlikely location.  How had it gotten there?  That is not a location that is easy to get to–I had to pick my way down a steep loose-turf hill then balance-beam my way across a half-rotted log to get this picture. More curiously, where had I seen this image before?  Because I knew, I KNEW that I had seen an upside-down stag skull in a tree crook just like that.  I recognized it.  But it couldn’t have been this one, because I hadn’t been to that location before.

In any case this fellow isn’t ready to be removed yet–he was dripping grey-green brain matter when I snapped the picture, and I’m glad I don’t have much of a sense of smell because I’m sure he stunk something fierce.  I shall keep an eye on him, however, and if two months from now he is ready I shall take him home to clean further.  Hail Herne, Lord of the Wood and the Hunt, for this treasure!

Read Full Post »

Musings

 

Upon a reading of mine from this Fullmoon past, mostly concerning the third card.

1: The heart of the matter–being set in one’s ways and confident that such is the right way to be, yet it is but a construction.

2: Starting point–being borne away from a time of hardship, sorrow, and weariness.

3: The base–being full of sorrow, mourning the could-haves and should-have-beens.

4: What will aid–seeing results from one’s efforts, measurable growth

5: A problem solved–bloody start asking for help, stop trying to do everything yourself!

6: A desire fulfilled–High Priestess. ‘Nuff said.

7: Lesson learned–Two of swords. Came up in the 2nd position a few weeks back. Stubborn, unwilling to change, at an impasse.

So I’m stuck in my ways nursing old hurts and mourning things unrealized, yet confident that this is how I should be–or more accurately, all I deserve. Unwilling to change? Not quite.  More like I have no idea how to let it go.

When sorrow and ‘not good enough’ has been your base setting for years, when you haunt yourself with memories of past transgressions, when you have been emotionally abused to the point of knowing nothing you ever do could ever be good enough…how do you let it go? How do you stop? How do you start to love yourself when you believe you’re not worth loving? How do you change those beliefs?

Mentally, I know.  There are people who love me, for whom I am worthwhile, to whom I matter.  My mind gets it.  But my heart?

Still swathed in barbed wire, streaming tears of blood, screaming WHY?!? Why doesn’t my Daddy love me?! Why am I so horrible???

Still stuck in the past.  Its been years now; I don’t even flinch anymore when someone raises their hand quickly.  The cards say I’m being stubborn and unwilling to change.  I’ve been trying to let it go, to move on, but…how?  Nothing I do works. How?

It may be that the answer is in the cards.  Energy spent will see returns, what grows is what you make of it….work together with others….mayhaps.  One can only hope.  It takes patience and hard work.  Okay.  I’m good on the patience…usually…and I’m getting better at the hard work.  I’m starting to become an active participant in my life.  Starting to make things happen instead of letting them happen to me.

Still, that tells me how I need to handle it but not how I can accomplish it.  *sigh* I’m spinning in circles and getting consumed by sorrow and frustration, its time to set this aside for now.  But I’ll need to figure something out before I can continue this journey.  I just hope that I can manage it.

Read Full Post »

Something wonderful and terrible has happened.

I have been contacted by a casting agency, who saw my blog, and were wondering if I’d be interested in being a part of their Documentary Series.

OMFGZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don’t know if I can express how much turmoil I’m in right now!  Five years ago I’d be screaming YES and jumping on in half a second.  Now, I’m not so sure. *sigh*

Cons:

Being on a TV show is EXCEEDINGLY disruptive to a person’s life.

I would be completely out of the broomcloset (still a few toes in there)

My craft is NOWHERE where it should be to take something like that on.  I’m in transition, still beginning on this new path.

The cleanliness of my apartment will need a MAJOR overhaul.

If I’m ill-received by the pagan community, this could be ruinous for any future plans I have within the community.

may have to cut out my use of entheogens.  Not sure yet.

Pros:

This is a major growing opportunity, and could be what I need to become more serious in my day-to-day practice.

I’m intelligent and fairly well-studied, I run a pagan discussion group, and have been Local Coordinator for Central Illinois Pagan Pride Day.  As my best friend said, “If anyone in our group should be doing something like this its you.”

If I’m well-received by the Pagan community this could be a huge boon to my future endeavors within the community.

Plus, I’d friggin’ be on tv!!!!!!!!!

 

I seriously don’t know what to do, and for all I know the gods could be throwing this right at me to see how I handle it (actually, come to think of it….)  I just…gods, I don’t know what to do and I’m scared. >_<

Read Full Post »