Archive for April, 2012

I feel like…

…I am being kneaded like dough, or wedged like clay. Thrust into the fire then pulled out and hammered some more.  I feel like a pulpy bruised mess. 

I look at myself and say “But I liked my form!” Even though I really didn’t. It was the way I had slowly formed over the years; I didn’t really like how it had turned out, but it was all I had dammit. It was me. Isn’t there something to be said for that?

Sure, I was lumpy in places, brittle here or scorched there, or simply too thick. But…shouldn’t I at least be loyal to me, even if I didn’t really like me? Its all I’ve known.

I never really anticipated not wanting to grow. Its taken me rather by surprise. I knew it would be hard and take work, but I never realized how much I would stubbornly cling to my faults. How much I didn’t want to get rid of some things. How I would know that they’re harmful yet keep them anyway because they’re me.

I feel pummeled, hammered, worried like a bone. I don’t feel exhausted, but I do feel worn. I know its still just beginning. I’m prepared to grit my teeth and ride the waves. I just…fear and hope that I will like whatever washes up on the shore. Splintered shards or beautiful sea glass? Time shall tell.


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In dreams…

A month or so ago, I was told a spell or ritual in my dream, something I needed to remember. Upon waking, however, I knew only that I was supposed to remember something.

Sometime later I was given a lesson, with a phrase repeating over and over through the night in hopes that I would remember it…yet it slipped away with morning light. I could remember only that it had happened, not what it was.

Monday morning, I rode in my dreams. On what did I ride? I don’t know, only that it had hooves. Over what did I ride? I’m not sure, but it had something to do with “riding the full measure of your skill”. I dismounted before a tall lady with long golden hair and deep coral lips. “Thank you,” I said “but I should be getting back now.” She smiled. “As you wish.” I started awake as my alarm went off.

This morning as my alarm went off, in that confused moment of half awake, I felt someone straighten and step away from my bedside. Turning to look, however, there was no one in my room. Reviewing my dream I had been talking to Snow White from Once Upon a Time…so my dreams weren’t the reason they were there. Why then, I wonder?

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