Archive for May, 2013

There was something that happened, a while back. It happened back in early February to be precise, but the feelings were so raw and I’m still dealing with the fallout of what immediately followed that I haven’t really been able to comfortably share it till now, despite wanting to.

That weekend, back in February…was bliss. Pure and simple. It was a Spring rain for the parched earth of my heart, and while I had it I relished in it. But dear gods y’all, the Ancestors were trolling my ass. Or at least the Disir were, I haven’t quite been able to distinguish between two…but they were playing for keepsies, sinking the hook into this relationship I’ve tried so hard to avoid.

They weren’t being terribly subtle about it either–I’d turn to hug him and all of a sudden the music playing softly on the radio swelled while the singer pleaded “Isn’t this the love we’ve been waiting for?” If it were just that instance I might’ve chalked it up to coincidence except for the little zing of energy that accompanied it every time–but it JUST KEPT HAPPENING all throughout the weekend. (And no, he didn’t cast a love spell on me, 1) I checked and 2) there was…more to what the Ancestors did) Like I said, not subtle. It even got to the point where I woke up suddenly around two in the morning, because in my dream a bunch of people had just shouted “Congratulations, It’s a Girl!” and started cheering complete with a banner and streamers and confetti and shit. (THAT freaked me the hell out, let me tell you, but fortunately I was not in fact pregnant. Wouldn’t be surprised if that was the objective though, friggin’ Ancestors…)

As I mentioned briefly though, there was…more…to what they did. I’m not sure how to describe it, because there are parts of it that defy words and are just a matter of feeling and knowing…but I’ll do my best.  There were points, during, where I sort of tranced out and was experiencing two things at once. First the (quite enjoyable) act itself, and this alternate…experience. It was…ah bloody hell, why is this so hard to write?!? Fine, freeform poetics is the only way I’m getting this out:

Deep and dark and warm and wet
We travel, now–
We Travel–
Down, and Down, into the Blood-Red Cave…
And in, and out, and in,
Again and Again,
With Passion and Violence and Screams
This Death
So Beautiful, so Precious
I see you, I feel you, You are Me
I am Death
And Life
It is One
The Same
In the Blood-Red Cave…
I, It, We

Umm…right, that probably made very little sense…and ended up a lot more sexual than I was intending, though I shouldn’t be surprised. <.< Basically it was the knowledge…that sex, and death, are one and the same. More specifically death like on the battlefield, because of the stabbing and passion and lust and violence and…you get the picture. The point was that there isn’t terribly much difference between the two–like hitting the power button with electronics, one turns it on, one turns it off, but you’re still hitting the same damn button, you are completing the exact same action. What I can’t express is how…significant, how revelatory this was, even though it seems simple and even from a logical standpoint mistaken. Very Women’s Mysteries-esque.

That part of the lesson didn’t end there either, even once the weekend was over and that giant shit of an ordeal hit the fan the very next day, all these synchronicities kept popping up everywhere I turned emphasizing the sex/death chalice-of-creation/crucible-of-destruction theme with women’s bodies….especially this particular part from this documentary, though the rest was still quite relevant and I highly recommend you watch the whole series: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=gy0TbZ-B8WQ#t=198s (totally want a replica of that figurine now, btw)

Still processing the upg, and I know that it is/will be significant to my practice, I just don’t really know what to do with the information. >_<; As for the Ancestors I imagine they had a few different motives for their…involvement.

1) They had…what to call them, Bone Memories?…to pass on.

2) They want the line to continue and are trying to get me knocked up

3) They wanted to ensure that I wouldn’t decide that it wasn’t worth it and pack up once the ordeal started

My bet’s on any combination of the above, and possibly more that I’m not realizing.


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