Posts Tagged ‘growth’

I had a rant planned for this. A good long rant of frustration and feeling helpless; I need to CHANGE in order to grow, if the world’s made up of Thinkers and Doers then I’m a Thinker, but I need to start DOING, etc, etc.  

Then I stopped a moment. Took another look at myself.

I’ve done this song and dance before, and not on the same subject.

No, the last time I was singing this tune–on this very blog, no less–it was about self-hate and how I NEEDED to change, NEEDED to learn to love myself, but couldn’t see any way to do it. At that point I felt like I had tried countless things to accomplish this and all had failed–I had failed. Now here I am, past that hurdle, bemoaning the impossibility of this current challenge, wailing and railing like I have before. “All of this has happened before, and all of it will happen again”, it seems. 

Let this realization serve not as an excuse to slip back into sloth, but rather as an inspiration–it is possible. It IS doable. You’ve been here before, and succeeded. You can do so again, and you’ll be so beautiful once you do.

How? Fuck if I know. I know the method I used last time, but recognize that the method did not cause the change; it merely served as a vehicle for the change to take place. It may not work as well for other people or even other situations…however, it can’t hurt to apply the same method and hope for positive results again.

And the gnosis-inducing message that I’ve been listening to on repeat to serve as water running over the stones of my mind?

Maybe it’s trite, cliche, and/or sugary sweet, but it worked dammit and that’s what counts. Thanks Disney.


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I turned 27 on Thursday. Man, it’s been a long year. A painful one. But necessary, I suppose. My birthday is the day by which I mark my personal years. There is a method with which one can determine their Major Arcana tarot card “theme” for the year that I discovered—oh, three years ago now?—and have found to be rather startlingly accurate. The year that I discovered this my card was The Hanged Man…that was the hard year I dedicated myself to this path (I know, surprise, right?) Following that was Death, which was the year I ended my 6 year relationship (and one year engagement) with Kestal–all in all very necessary, but hard. Then this past year…Temperance.

I didn’t really know what to expect going into the year, but there’s no way I could have known what was in store. Since stepping on this path it seems that the most expeditious way to train me (thus far) is through my relationships (surprise, with Freyja as my matron), and in late October I met Tristan. Frankly, he scared me…there was something that was just wrong about him, and I did NOT want to get involved, but the powers that be had other plans in mind—he desperately needed my help.

Despite all the things that frightened me about him, I saw him struggling with many of the lessons I had just learned—self-worth, for instance. Living his life instead of letting life happen to him. He had run so far from life that he had a fairly miserable existence. Then, as a consequence of meeting me, his worst fears were realized. He was forced to face the very past he’d run from. It was a true Death experience for him, and a very raw, painful one involving the legal system. I bore witness to and helped guide his rebirth. I put everything that I had left into the process. The person that I have seen him become is awe-inspiring, yet the trials that he is experiencing are not over. But they are for me.

Even with all of the effort that I put into the ordeal, everything I gave for it, it was not intended to last. I had done my part, and someone else was sent into my life—which I resisted mightily. I fought it for several months before I took the hint, and it took me being yelled at multiple times by <someone> through the cards and things starting to go to shit to finally get me to move, but I did what I didn’t want to—broke up with Tristan two weeks (!!) before his trial and started this new relationship. I’ve since been privileged enough to see the buddings of Tristan’s relationship with a friend who met him at the trial—there was a reason for the timing, but man it hurt to do.

The past year…Temperance. I think, rather than learning how to handle situations with balance (which, as a Libra, I am already quite skilled at), I was the one being tempered. Though I understand it as a necessary process, it was tortuous. I was taken to the point where I was certain I couldn’t take any more…and then I would be plunged even further down. It is not something I would recommend, if you have the choice. There are gentler ways.

This new relationship…I still don’t know where it will go. It had an incredibly rough start, and I worry that this moment of bliss is but a temporary reprieve…though the cards say otherwise. We’ve gotten through the Five of Swords, the conflict so dear it may not be worth it–happy times ahead, and reading after reading for either of us indicates a possible child. O.0 NO idea what to think of that. You do not want to know how many times the Empress has come up. Plus I unwittingly stepped over a friend’s ritual broom across their threshold the other day…blast it all.
It is with some trepidation that I walk into this next year…the year of The Devil (also The Lovers). One might have expected Temperance to be an easy or happy year, but it most certainly was not. I have no idea what to expect next, but I really hope its not a continuing downward trend. >_< Next year? The Tower. Gods preserve me…


Afterthoughts–there are two cards that have come up to represent the child; not the pregnancy, the childDaughter, in fact. The first is the Daughter (page) of Cups, the second is The Star. The latter card granted me a vision when I read it–I saw her. A mop of dark auburn curls and dark brown eyes, dimples and a delighted smile. She was wearing a bright red blouse with white polka dots, like the amanita. I called her Melissa, like the bee. The year after the Tower? The Star. Interesting….we’ll see whether or not this comes to pass.

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